“There should be a fat person Holocaust” – A charming interview with my Grandfather
I tried to call up Dr. Mark Stanton, obesity expert from New York University, but he’s not returning my calls, so I opted for the next best thing: my Grandfather.
Now, I apologise in advance if his answers are a bit negative or a bit vulgar. He’s currently not in the best state. He was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, bipolar disorder and Parkinson’s disease, all at the same time. But one thing he has never been diagnosed with is obesity, and he has some strong opinions on it. So I went to the terminal ward of St. Vincent’s to find out:
Why my Gramps hates fat people.
What do you want? Who the hell are you?
Relax. It’s me, your grandson.
No, no. My grandson’s not as ugly as you.
Okay. Fine. Can I still ask you a few questions about obesity?
If you change my diaper hehehe.
[I change his rancid diaper.]
I don’t know if you’re aware, but more than a billion people around the world are overweight. What do you think of that?
I think it’s a bloody disgrace. Kids today, all they do is play their iBoxes and their iShit. Kids aren’t climbing trees, hunting Dodos or scalping Japs like they used to. I’d like to see them get through a fuckin’ World War or a Depression.
On that, I imagine there wouldn’t have been many overweight people during the Depression. Do you think you grew up in healthier times?
I think it’s a bloody disgrace. Kids today, all they do is play their iBoxes and their iShit. Kids aren’t climbing trees, hu-
No, Gramps, I asked you a different question. Do you think you grew up in healthier times?
Oh my word. We used to have to walk ten miles in the snow to get to school.
But you grew up in Queensland.
Yeah … but … there was snow back then. Now with global warming and that there’s no more snow in Cairns. And let me tell you, there were no fat people around. Fat people just didn’t survive back then. I had this fat friend named Don, he was shot in the forest ‘cause my Dad thought he was a bear. My Dad was fuckin’ excited. He thought he killed the only bear in Australia. When he found out it was just big fat Don, he was pissed. Still hung him on the wall though.
Do you think your friend’s death was justified?
Absolutely. Even his mother said at the funeral that she was getting tired of giving him a bath. He was a waste of space. Maybe there’s more room in heaven for Don. Nah, just kidding. Don’s burning in hell, no doubt. Only fat people go to hell. They deserve it. I seriously reckon there should be a fat person holocaust. Enough’s enough already.
So you think Hitler had the right idea, he just picked the wrong group of people to exterminate?
No … I’m not sayin’ that. Oh wait, that’s exactly what I’m sayin’. Yes. We have to pay for ‘em when they have heart attacks and need to go to hospital. Taxpayers pay those bills. Why can’t we shed ourselves of this burden?
But Gramps, couldn’t the same be said about the elderly? As people get older, they need more and more medical care. Taxpayers have to pay for their bills. Would you advocate an old people holocaust?
No way. We contribute wisdom to society. What do fat people contribute? Recipes. That’s about it. Sometimes they put that Biggest Loser show on the TV for me. I saw those fatties doing that obstacle course thing. Why don’t they have a sniper in a tower who picks off the ones trailing behind? That’d really make ‘em run.
Interesting thoughts. Your reality show ideas aside, you’ve talked about how obesity is wrong. Don’t you think that’s true for the opposite extreme? Anorexia for example?
I really don’t have a problem with anorexia. There’s an anorexic nurse that comes in here, and while she can’t roll me over, at least she doesn’t steal my fuckin’ food like that other tubby nurse. Fat people are sneaky.
This may be a hard question for you Gramps, but as you know, your daughter and my aunt tragically committed suicide five years ago. Before that I remember she had been struggling with depression that stemmed from her eating disorder. She was obsessed with her diet and exercised constantly. Do you think your views had anything to do with this?
What are you sayin’? Are you sayin’ I killed my Angie you little piece of shit?
No, no, I’m not saying that. But I can’t help but think that as your daughter, she may have been trying to live up to your expectations.
All I said to Angie was that she could lose a few. I didn’t know she’d wind up killing herself. All I know is I didn’t have to buy a goddamn XL-sized coffin. Those things are fuckin’ expensive.
How can you speak so callously about your own daughter? She looked up to you.
So? I looked up to Ali but you can be damn sure he wouldn’t be cryin’ if I broke my fist in a fight. He’s got Parkinson’s like me. We got no sympathy for anyone.
Do you think your views are extreme?
No. Everyone else’s are just pissweak. You gotta understand … society is just like a washing machine…
How is society just like a washing machine?
It keeps clothes clean and … makes them wet.
Have you been taking your pills?
Nevermind. Well Gramps, I think we’re about out of time because I’m starting to dislike the smell in here. Any final words for the fat people of the world?
Your time on this planet is through! Do yourselves a favour and kill yourselves now! Because you’re … you’re not gonna … survive … you’re not gonna ….
[Gramps falls asleep.]
Well I hope you enjoyed the interview, and if you’d like to get in contact with my grandfather I helped him set up an email account:
Send your messages soon though. He’s not going to be around for much longer.